Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks by Matt Andrews

Author:Matt Andrews [Andrews, Matt]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humor, Form, Pictorial
ISBN: 9781250051400
Google: N_dMBAAAQBAJ
Amazon: 1250051401
Publisher: St. Martin's Griffin
Published: 2015-02-17T08:00:00+00:00

I came across this painting one night in a nearby, 24-hour restaurant. This restaurant frequently hangs local art for sale.

Hello, is this Michael the artist responsible for “Serenity of the Soul”?

Yes, can I help you?

Sorry to contact you so late in the evening. My name is Jerry Snuggleton and I’m a bit of an art collector.

ok

Currently, I’m driving across the country purchasing some art pieces. I came across your work at a local eatery and had to call you.

Ah yes! You must be at the café.

Indeed.

Your work is great, really fantastic. I would love to purchase “Serenity of the Soul” but it’s a bit out of my price range.

Would it be ok if I called you? We can discuss the price.

Can’t pick up the phone right now. It’s rather loud in here.

Think you could possibly lower the price?

Prices are always negotiable.

What were you thinking?

Well, given my experience in the field of art collecting, I would value this piece at $50.

Ha I appreciate the offer but that is much lower than I would ever sell it for.

The highest I can go is $50

That’s when he started calling …

Sorry for calling, but can you just pick up your phone? I’d rather just hash out a deal speaking over the phone.

No can do. My final offer is $50.

Take it or leave it.

I’m sorry. I can’t let it go for that. Hope you find some great pieces on your trip.

I text him back 30 minutes later …

Please let me have the painting for $50.

Sorry.

Way too low of a price.

15 minutes later …

Listen man, I’m gonna shoot you straight. I’m not some traveling art collector. Honestly, I don’t know the first thing about art.

Truth is, I’m driving cross-country on a family vacation and we just stopped to get a bite to eat.

ok?

Well, my 8-year-old decided to throw a hissy fit and launched his Jr. Breakfast Platter onto the wall. A good amount got on your painting. I was going to buy it from you and fix this whole mess, but I can’t pay 350 bucks for something like this.

So you gotta take what I can give you.

Are you serious?

Afraid so.

Listen, I know these calls are going through. PLEASE pick up your phone.

No can do. Like I said, it’s loud in here and my hands are full with kids.

Ok at least tell me what got on the painting.

I already told you, the Jr. Breakfast Platter.

Yea what is that?

It’s the same thing as the Breakfast Platter, but a little bit smaller.

Ok just don’t touch the painting and let the management know what happened.

Too late. I’ve been trying to rub the stain out with a napkin for like 30 minutes now. I even dipped the napkin in my wife’s Diet Fresca … I think the stain is set.

I’d take the painting off the wall and put some elbow grease into it, but I know the waitress is already suspicious.

Hell, I’ve been sitting in this damn restaurant for over 2 hours.

DON’T TOUCH THE PAINTING ANYMORE

Just pick up your phone when I call please!

Hold on, I got an idea.

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